Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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