Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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