I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
