Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
