dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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