I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
