I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
