my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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