At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Everyone says I win the strip club
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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