before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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