Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
