dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
