I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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