He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
