If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
