The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
