Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
