she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
