Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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