hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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