He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
