i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
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Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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