If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
