What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
