Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
