I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
