I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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