god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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