I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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