Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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