Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
