I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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