perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
