I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
