He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
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She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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