I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
