thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
