I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
