This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
