so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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