My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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