So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
