Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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