i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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