yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
