what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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