she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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