i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
