apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
