Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
