I wish my penis had an off switch
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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