Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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