My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
