So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
